I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
