before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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