I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
