I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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