I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
