Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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