There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
