Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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