everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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