meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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