He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
