He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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