I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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