John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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