I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am spending my child support on dildos
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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