I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
