I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
