new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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