U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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