your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
