Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
