I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
