I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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