as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
