I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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