wrigley field is MILF paradise
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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