I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
