Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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