I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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