our cab driver is having phone sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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