He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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