accomplished twins. life is a go
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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