did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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