I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Couch. On fire.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
