So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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