You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
there is glitter all over my balls
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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