genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i drank out of a bidet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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