So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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