Pregnant stripper...not hot.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
