I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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