oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
