So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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