I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
