My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
