Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
