walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
