my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
soo... how was my night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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