census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
