just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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