I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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