____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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