The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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