Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
