Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
