Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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