I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
