Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
