If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
